When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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