we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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