I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
