ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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