It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
