you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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