I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
