just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize