I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize