Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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