I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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