Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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