i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
