I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
