The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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