I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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