I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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