Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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