Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
sex in a hospital.. check
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
