I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Two words: blizzard sex
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
