Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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