i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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