I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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