I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
