I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
