The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
