Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
