Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
