So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
