The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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