i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
