Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
