Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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