I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
