Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
dude. I can hear the air.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
