I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
