how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
