why didn't you poke me back
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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