i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
