My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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