TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
