I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
