Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she told me i tasted like america
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize