Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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