I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
