Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
