After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
