i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize