One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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