I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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