So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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