Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
