In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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