I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
