There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
