Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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