She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
